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USING JUDGEMENT TO ACCELERATE GROWTH

To experience oneself as a ‘conscious evolutionary' or co-creator of a lifetime is incredibly exciting because it puts us in the drivers seat and aware we are in the drivers seat, centre stage, the architect of our own life – a very different experience to that of passenger, audience or slave! We can play those roles for sure, but they are not our own ‘main event'. To move from ‘victim' to fully responsible mature adult human co-creator, one of the biggest challenges is in examining how we see ourselves and how powerfully our environment acts as a mirror for us, to give us clues as to where we are up to and where to go next on our evolutionary journey.

How often do you notice yourself judging or critiquing yourself and others? You might notice you do it a lot. It might be such a habit you don't notice you do it much at all, but one of the functions of the human mind that is absolutely necessary for us to thrive is the ability to make distinctions, make decisions, ‘suss' people out, evaluate situations and so on. It is very helpful to be discerning, to trust our own emotional guidance system, to have sound judgement. But having sound judgement is not the same as ‘being judgemental' just as ‘constructively criticising' (an oxymoron in my opinion) is not the same as coaching.

If you are someone who is aware of a tendency to be self critical, or if you enjoy putting others down for ‘sport' even though you don't really like yourself for doing it, if you are so cynical you think the world is going to hell in a hand basket ….you will NOT want to read on. (I'm serious…reading this article could plant a seed in your consciousness that your own integrity will nudge you to nurture, even if part of you wants to rubbish it!). On the other hand, if you are feeling even a little bit bold, up for a free life long lasting growth accelerator, or you are sick of com pulsively giving yourself a hard time, there is help at hand.

When it com es to relationship with self, pretty much everyone I have worked with over the past 25 years is aware of an internal critical voice (part of our Ego). The nature of the content that inner voice offers can be pretty derogatory and undermining to us at times, and can powerfully influence what we perceive as our identity and how we fit into the world, what we think we are capable of and so on. In fact when I ask groups if they know of anyone in their lives that can judge them better than they can themselves , the answer is inevitably NO! We are very very good at criticising and judging ourselves – some people are masters of it! Most are also aware of ‘being judgemental' of others as a ‘not very desirable trait' and they try to hide that they are like that or attempt to stop themselves doing it – not easy. So rather than stopping it, it could be more useful to learn how to use it to help us evolve and in so doing the need to judge diminishes by itself.

There are perceived benefits to playing the victim role, I should know because I lived there for years. I didn't know anything different and just assumed I was stuck with myself (someone I didn't like very much but wished I did). Living in a state of ‘victim consciousness' meant I didn't have to take much responsibility for my life at all – in fact I found I had to do some really stupid things to preserve an identity I didn't really like! Sounds stupid doesn't it? I didn't accept responsibility for myself or my actions fully, I found all sorts of reasons and people and situations to ‘blame' for my circumstances and self pity was a familiar com panion albeit a boring one. On reflection, no-one has ever been as mean or stingy towards me than me. I was the world's best critic and I could pull myself down better than anyone! This internal relationship was projected out into the world and I became quite judgemental and critical of others as well.

Don't get me wrong, critical thinking is a wonderful style of thinking when it's used appropriately, but it can be incredibly limiting when applied to humans, especially where learning is concerned. A coaching approach accelerates learning whilst the approach of the critic slows learning down especially when we have self esteem and self worth issues. Effective coaching lifts us up. Criticism pulls us down. Coaching puts us on our own team, judging and criticising puts us in opposition.

Consider these three ideas:

  • We project an identity in every moment, on many levels, to our environment, telling it how to treat us (if you have ‘doormat' tattooed on your forehead don't be surprised if people wipe their feet on you!)
  • We are always experiencing a reflection of how we are inside from our external environment (inner first – outer follows…)
  • We always have a choice in the way we respond to what is happening in our lives (even as we sometimes ‘lose it' and react rather than respond)

If any of these are just natural dynamics (like gravity) it is irrelevant whether we believe in them or not. Our challenge is in learning about them and using them to teach us more about ourselves and our very real power to transform our experience of life.

If you want to change your relationship with yourself, and/or with others for the better here are a few ‘seeds' to get you started:

Be willing to start noticing when you are being critical and judgemental – start with someone outside of you. For example, if you are contemptuous about some idiot at work that drives

  • you nuts….even as you smile and say something nice to them through gritted teeth…pause and really notice the feeling inside.
  • Ask yourself what that feeling is really about. What is provoking the response you are having? Be genuinely curious “Wow – I had a strong reaction to…., I wonder what that's about?”
  • Tell yourself the truth. (Finding evidence to justify that the person really is an idiot is not it!). Welcome ‘the idiot' as a teacher for you. If you allow yourself to use your feelings to learn something, chances are you will find a link to yourself . Your reaction could be telling you more about you than them. The enquiry is what counts and your own truth is what's relevant.

Notice if you get a ‘match' to the feeling – it will feel like ‘aha'…we know full well when we are kidding ourselves and when we are connecting with a deep truth. There are layers and layers

  • of understanding to be had so you might go through a few ‘aha's' till you get to the bottom of it. As Werner Erhard once said “The truth will set you free – but first it will piss you off!” so be aware you might have to acknowledge something that might feel unpleasant before you can begin to see things differently.
  • Choose your response and pay attention to the results. Keep making corrections rather than protecting your ego.
  • Keep your sense of humour intact – being willing to be a learner is an essence of humility.

When you notice yourself having an emotional response to someone or some thing, my moot is that it is telling you something about you . If someone else's behaviour is our of order and you find yourself taking it personally it's still telling you something about you (even as it says something about them). Your challenge is in discerning which is which and choosing a response that is proactive and useful. In summary, our judging selves can tell us much more about us than those we judge…sure it's easier if we make it about ‘them' (we don't have to take any responsibility) but there is treasure in utilising our environment for all the free learning we can – in every moment. Complaining about others and our situations doesn't usually change much…it is just a way for our egoic self to do a bit of foot stamping in frustration at our perceived powerlessness to influence things outside our control. If you need to have a moan, have it consciously and as soon as you can, allow the feeling to take you more deeply into enquiry and use it to provoke more insight and grow your own capacity for loving kindness and basic human decency (towards self and other). Moving from critic to coach will change the way you see yourself and others and that change in view will transform your life. So judge away – and notice notice notice. Be a great coach, on your own team rather than your own biggest critic. Be genuinely curious and you will grow insight …and remember “practice makes progress”.

Amanda Fleming
p: +64 21 357753
e: info@amandafleming.co.nz
a: PO Box 56064
Dominion Road
Mt Eden
AUCKLAND